Spinning in Circles!

Have you ever had so much on your mind that you literally can't sleep no matter how tired you are because you know that your mind will never completely shut down? I have had almost 2 years of things going on left and right that somewhere along the way, I have forgotten who I truly am because I am always helping someone, being drug into something, being in the middle of two parties that can't see what they are doing to you, and you wonder if anyone out there can truly care about you enough to ensure everyone stopped? Well, I am beginning to wonder if that will ever happen for me. I know that I am strong, and always have been because I am always the one that deals with everything but just once in my life, I would love to have someone that can match my strength but love me enough to truly give me peace for awhile. 

The past 2 years of my life has literally been one heart break after another, and honestly not sure how much longer I can keep my strength up from breaking but I know that no matter what I will always pull through whatever is going on in my life. I lost my dad in 2005, and even though it has been eight long years, the pain is still right there. And what makes it even harder is the fact that I lost my mom a month ago which has added so much more pain on top of it all while I sit silently in pain because the people around me are so wrapped up in themselves to realize that even though I fake a smile on my face that my heart is hurting so badly. I am hours away from where I feel like my home is which is where I was raised, and I have never felt so absolutely alone in life. 

Part of me feels that if I allow people to know and see that I am hurting that it will mean that I am weak which I pray no one ever thinks that of me. I, like everyone else has been through many hard times in my life, and like many people, some I don't share with just anyone. Lost and alone in your own world is a horrible place to be but in ways, it helps you forget what is going on around you that you have no control over. I hear a song, and my mind automatically takes me to places that I wish would somehow become numb because the pain has literally started to outweigh the happiness in your life, and you struggle and fight to climb out of that place to find your serenity. 

Yes, a lot of the pain is very new while some of the pain is old, and together the battle is a hard one to continue to struggle through but I know that God wouldn't put me through more than I can handle. It is more of a feeling of being lost between paths while being unsure of which path to take because you have no idea of what the paths might hold so you stand in the middle and continue to spin in circles until you become so dizzy that you fall into a complete place of exhaustion. 

I have my good days, and I have my bad days as does everyone else but once, just once I wish the pain would ease so that I can get back to being the happy go lucky person that I have always been, and start enjoying life again. Someday, and hopefully someday very soon!